First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My penis needs a shock collar
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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