My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize