Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
