The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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