I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
