I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
