Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
