I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
