Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
