Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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