you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
