dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
