i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
