Where is the hickey?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
