Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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