Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
