I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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