Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Watching her eat just hurts me
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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