why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
