I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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