so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
