Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
