Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
