hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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