I wish I could punch you in the face.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
