I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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