She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
