she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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