Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
