not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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