Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
