I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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