I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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