What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
