I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
