Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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