If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
my penis made a compromise with my morals
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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