someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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