you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
