he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
