i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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