You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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