Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
