I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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