trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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