dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
this beer tastes like vomit already
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
