so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
