When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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