I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
