My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
