I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
