If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
