and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
