Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
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I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
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Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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