i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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