I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
