apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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