If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
