Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just googled if crying burns calories
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
